Now, to return you to our regularly scheduled program. As you know, there is a lot of kaffuffle in our church these days over such weighty issues as gay rights, the ordination of women and all that. So here are a few solutions floating around the internet (and I have no idea the identity of the authors), and the latest installment of Dave Walker's 'toons. Welcome to the Monday Funnies...
Why We Oppose Men's Ordination:
1- Because man's place is in the army.
2- Because no really manly man wants to settle disputes otherwise than by fighting about it.
3- Women would not respect men dressed in skirts.
4- Because men are too emotional to be priests. Their conduct at football matches, in the army, at political conventions shows this, while their innate tendency to appeal to force and violence renders them unfit to represent Jesus.
5- Because some men are so handsome they will distract women worshipers.
6- If the Church is the Bride of Christ, and bishops are as husbands to the Church, all priests should be female.
Ten Really good reasons to oppose Gay Marriage
1- Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. That's why infertile couples and old people can't legally get married.
2- Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
3- Straight marriage, such as Britney Spears' 55-hour, just-for-fun marriage, will be less meaningful.
4- Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; for example, women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5- Gay marriage should be decided by people not the courts, because majority-elected legislatures, and not courts, have historically done a swell job of protecting the rights of the minorities.
6- Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
7- Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
8- Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children.
9- Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to cars or longer life spans.
10- Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name, are preferable, because separate-but-equal institutions are constitutional.