Monday, August 3, 2009

Monday Funnies

My friend Patrick Hill sends along these jokes, all of them at the expense of churches and church people. Some are good, some are, er, you decide... And the emblem? Given all the commentary coming in the wake of General Convention by, among others, the Archbishop of Canterbury, the editors of this space thought a reminder of our roots might be in order... Enjoy the Monday Funnies!
When my daughter was about five years old we came out of church on a Sunday morning into quite a summer storm. Most of the congregation was huddled together on the front steps of the church when to my great chagrin my daughter
says in a loud and melodious voice, "Look Mommy ... it's raining like hail!"
Q: How many Episcopalians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Change?
Q. How many Episcopalians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Twenty. One to change the bulb, nineteen to form a procession.
There was a church where the preacher and the minister of music were not getting along. As time went by this began to spill over into the worship service.
The first week the preacher preached on commitment and how we all should dedicate ourselves to the service of God. The music director lead the
song "I Shall not be Moved."

The second week the preacher preached on tithing and how we all should
gladly give to the work of the Lord. The director lead the song "Jesus Paid it

The third week the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should all
watch our tongues. The music director led the song "I Love to Tell the

With all this going on, the preacher became very disgusted over the
situation and the following Sunday told the congregation that he was
considering resigning. The musician lead the song "Oh Why Not Tonight?"

As it came to pass, the preacher did indeed resign. The next week he informed
the church that it was Jesus who led him there and it was Jesus that was
taking him away. The music leader lead the song "What a Friend We Have in
The preacher's prayer:

Lord, fill my mouth with worthwhile stuff,
and nudge me when I've said enough.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for
the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you

Watson: "I see millions and millions of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is
great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells
me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

1 comment:

jfmiller28 said...

I cannot help but add one more to the preacher/music director canon.

One Sunday the preacher decided to preach on temperance (clearly not in an Episcopal Church). As he got started he said "If I had all the beer in the world I'd go and dump it in the river." Later in the sermon he was really getting moving and propounded "If I had all the Whiskey in the world I'd go and dump it in the river!" Finally at the end of his sermon with a great flourish her declared "If I had all the best scotch in the world I'd go and dump it in the river!"

At the end of the service the Music Director stood and announced that the congregation should stand and sing Let Us Gather at the River.