Showing posts with label Monday funnies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Monday funnies. Show all posts
Monday, April 8, 2013
Monday, April 1, 2013
Monday, March 18, 2013
Monday Funnies
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An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
“The front row please,” she answered.
“You really don't want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No,” he said.
“I'm the pastor's mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“No.” she said.
“Good,” he answered.
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The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season.
The pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand.
Puzzled, the pastor said, “I don't get it. Last Sunday many of your wives said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.”
One hunter groaned, “Well, it worked. They're all safe.”
Monday, March 11, 2013
Monday Funnies Extra Edition
Monday Funnies
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A preacher delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning, which was less than 1/3 the usual length of his sermons.
He explained, “I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning.”
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, “Pastor, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to get one to give to my minister.”
* * *
A preacher was on the program at a district convention to preach for twenty minutes. The other preachers from the district were sitting behind him in the choir section, giving him moral support and throwing in an occasional “Amen” to help the preacher along.
The preacher preached his twenty minutes and continued on despite the allotted time.
He preached for 30 minutes, then forty minutes and then for an hour. He even continued, for a whole hour and ten minutes.
Finally, a brother sitting in the front row took a songbook and threw it at the preacher, who was still going strong with his message.
The preacher saw the songbook as it was hurled his way and he ducked. The songbook hit one of the preachers sitting in the choir section.
As the man in the choir section was going down, you could hear him say, “Hit me again, I can still hear him preaching!”
Monday, March 4, 2013
Monday, February 18, 2013
Monday Funnies
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A visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation responded with “Amen” or “That's right, preacher” he would get wound up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse.
Finally, the host pastor started responding to every few sentences with, “Amen, Pharaoh!”
The guest minister wasn't sure what that meant, but after several more, “Amen, Pharaohs” he finally concluded his very lengthy sermon.
After the service concluded and the congregation had left, the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, “What exactly did you mean when you said, ‘Amen, Pharaoh?’ ”
His host replied, “I was telling you to let my people go!”
Monday, November 19, 2012
The Monday Funnies Thanksgiving Week Edition
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His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get-together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"
They all asked the farmer how it tasted.
"I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"
* * *
O, COME ALL YE TURKEYS
(Tune O Come All Ye Faithful)
O come all ye turkeys,
Fully dressed or boneless;
Come all ye Armor Stars,
This Thanksgiving day.
Come and be basted,
You will not be wasted;
Oh be our guest for dinner,
Oh be our guest for dinner,
Oh be our guest for dinner,
Thanksgiving Day.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Monday Funnies
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An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone he said, "There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if anyone has gone to heaven, he has."
They walked on a bit further and then came to another grave. The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now there's a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to hell, he has."
The little boy thought for a while and then said, "You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky."
"Why?" asked the old man in surprise.
"Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money to draw on."
* * *
An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. All he need do is pick one.
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something wise."
The dean looks at them and says, "I should have taken the money."
Monday, October 29, 2012
The Monday Funnies -- Hurricane Sandy Edition
Hope you are hunkered down, safe and dry. Here are some groaners at the expense of organized religion from Pat Hill in the overpaid, overstaffed deadbeat Jokester Department of Fiat Lux, and a new cartoon from Dave Walker showing an aerial view of the St. Paul's Memorial Church parish hall.
Enjoy your Monday as best you can!
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One Sunday the Pastor announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin's hen house please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!"
The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.
* * *
Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.
When the offering plate was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johhny held his dollar firmly in his hand, loudly stating, "If I can't eat, I won't pay!"
* * *
A young minister and Mr. Smith, an elderly parishioner, were playing golf. The minister's game was off and the old man was beating him rather soundly.
At the end of the game, the Mr. Smith tried to console his minister by saying, "don't worry, Reverend. One of these days you'll be burying me."
"Yes," sighed the minister, "but even then, it will be your hole!"
* * *
We were painting the church steeple grey,
When the wind blew our brushes away.
We said to the pastor, "We've had a disaster!"
He calmly replied, "Let us spray."
Monday, September 24, 2012
The Monday Funnies are back!
Pat Hill in the Fiat Lux Jokester Department has been hard at work coming up with jokes, when he is not goldbricking by gazing at the sky look for the space shuttle (see his brilliant film below).
Here's a few groaners (blame Pat) and a church sign of the week to your right. Enjoy your Monday and the rest of the week.
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The minister had just finished an excellent chicken dinner at the home of a member of his congregation. Sitting on the porch after dinner he saw a rooster come strutting through the yard. "That's certainly a proud-looking rooster you have there," the minister commented.
"Yes sir," replied the farmer. "He has reason to be proud, one of his sons just entered the ministry!"
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George went to the eye doctor for an examination because he was having trouble reading the newspaper.
"Now that you are over 40," the doctor told him, "you've developed a condition called presbyopia, in which the lens of your eye can no longer focus as well as it used to."
Seeing his worried look, the doctor tried to be upbeat. "Congratulations!" he said. "You're now officially a presbyope!"
George leaned over and asked seriously, "Does this mean I can no longer be a Southern Baptist?"
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One beautiful Sunday morning, a pastor announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.
"Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."
Friday, September 21, 2012
Monday Funnies Extra Edition!
Sorry to interrupt your Friday for this special news edition. The Space Shuttle Endeavor, riding atop a big 'ole SevenFortySeven, was buzzing around downtown Sacramento and the Capitol only a few minutes ago. Pat Hill, the head of the Fiat Lux Jokester Department, was there for us, and I bring you his video live from the scene:
Monday, July 16, 2012
The Monday Funnies
For now, how about a few chuckles to get your week started? Here are a few jokes from Pat Hill in the Jokester Department, and a cartoon from The New Yorker. Enjoy your Monday!
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The boy found a W.W.J.D. (What would Jesus do?) bracelet and wanted to buy it. His mother asked him if he knew what it meant.
The boy responded, "Of course I do Mom! It's Jesus' web-site!"
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.
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Our church organist was a grand old lady, but every Sunday she allowed her two dogs to accompany her to church. The congregations did not mind the dogs, but they were upset when the two dogs would howl through every high note from the organ.
Finally the congregation asked the minister to insist the organist leave her dogs at home. "Give me one week," said the minister, "and then I'll tell you what I have decided to do."
On the following Sunday the minister announced his decision. Fearing that the organist would leave if her dogs couldn't come to church, and that would have a devastating effect on the worship services, he said, "Friends, I have decided that it is better the dogs come to church than the church go to the dogs!"
Monday, July 9, 2012
The Monday Funnies
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There was a new pastor just out of seminary in her first call. The first week went quite well and her first Sunday was excellent. The congregation was especially impressed with the sermon that first Sunday.
But during the following week, the pastor just got very busy with many things, trying to get to all the shut-ins, and nursing home residents, as well as unpacking all the boxes in the parsonage, and by the time Saturday night rolled around, she realized that she hadn't had time to write a sermon, so she decided to just use the one from the previous week.
Well, fortunately, even though some people thought it sounded familiar they didn't say anything they knew how busy she had been.
But sure enough the same thing kept happening, the next week she had a couple funerals and again didn't have time to prepare a new sermon for Sunday morning.
After this had happened about four weeks in a row, the church president called the bishop and a special meeting of the church council and at the meeting the president turns to the bishop and says, “You know, we really like our pastor here, she's great with the youth and with visitation, but she's giving us the same sermon four Sundays in a row.”
The bishop turns to the pastor and says, “Is this true?”
The pastor answers “yes” and then proceeds to offer all the reasons why she had done what she had done but the bishop cuts her off and turns to the council and says, “Tell me what this sermon was about?”
The council members start kind-of hemming and hawing, one says “I think there was something about Jesus in there.” Another says, “Yeah, something like, that, but I'm not really sure.”
After a few minutes of this the bishop stops the conversation, turns to the pastor and says, “One more time!”
Monday, June 4, 2012
The Monday Funnies
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As the beloved pastor is being honored on the occasion of his departure, an elderly woman greets him with tears in her eyes.
"Pastor," she says, "we're really going to miss you."
"Don't worry," replies the pastor, "I'm sure the diocese will find someone at least as good to replace me."
The woman sobs uncontrollably and answers, "That's what they've all said, and they've all been wrong."
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A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone here know what we mean by sins of omission?"
A small girl replied, "Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but didn't?"
Monday, May 28, 2012
The Monday Funnies
Here is a new cartoon by Dave Walker entitled "Excuses for Absenteeism in church," and a yarn passed along by Mildred Robinson, who is a law professor. Enjoy your week.
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A bar called Drummond's, in a town in Texas, began construction on an expansion of their building, hoping to "grow" their business.
In response, the local church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding: petitions, prayers, etc. About a week before the bar's grand re-opening, a bolt of lightning struck the bar and burned it to the ground.
Afterward, the church folks were rather smug - bragging about "power of prayer." The angry bar owner eventually sued the church on grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, through direct actions or indirect means."
Of course, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The judge read carefully through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply. He then opened the hearing by saying: "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that what we have here is a bar owner who now believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."
Monday, May 14, 2012
The Monday Funnies
It is rainy today in these parts, so a few laughs are in order at the expense of organized, and disorganized, religion. Enjoy your week...
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Q: What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark?
A: Now I herd everything.
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A local pastor was invited to play golf with two friends. Although he said his game was terrible, he went along anyway.
At the first tee, another golfer joined them to make a foursome. So as not to make the stranger nervous, the pastor insisted they introduce him as "Ron." On the fourth hole, the other golfer turned to Ron and asked him what he did for a living.
Confronted, Ron admitted that he was a Baptist pastor.
"I knew it!" the stranger exclaimed. "The way you play golf and don't swear, you had to be a preacher!"
Monday, May 7, 2012
The Monday Funnies
Here are some oldies-but-goodies from the joke locker. Enjoy your week!
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After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church starring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor said, "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, "Which service, the 8:45 or the 11:00?"
Monday, April 9, 2012
The Monday Funnies
Enjoy your week . . .
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Mike stayed out all night Saturday night playing cards, and thus fell asleep during the Sunday morning sermon.
The preacher concluded the sermon and then said in a louder voice, “Let us now join in prayer. Brother Mike, will you lead?”
Mike awakened suddenly (but apparently too slowly to gather himself) and responded, “Lead?I just dealt!”
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There's an old story about an old codger who always sat down front and always fell asleep during the sermon.
The preacher decided he was going to get Brother Jones one Sunday for it.
So at the end of his sermon he whispered, “Everyone who wants to go to heaven, stand up.”
The whole congregation stood up, except for Brother Jones.
“Sit back down.”
Then he said softly, “Everyone who wants to go to hell,” at which point he boomed, “STAND UP!”
Brother Jones leapt to his feet, then looked around. And he said, “Preacher, I don't know what we're voting on, but it seems that you and I are the only ones for it.”
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