The Wednesday Funnies

I think we all could use a good laugh this week. Here is a new cartoon by Dave Walker...

Uh oh, it's Lent. Now what do I do?

Lent is upon once again, the season of fasting, penitence, and "giving up" things.

Maybe this year I should try to take something on -- like writing on this page again. I admit I've felt too pressed for time, found my life filled with too many meetings and too many mini-dramas in the church world to take the time to reflect in this space. But I've missed it.

So, dear readers (those of you who still come here), it's time for me to get back to pen and paper (or fingers and keyboard) and start writing again.

As Lent unfolds this year, I will likely have a few things to say about issues in our world, like guns, poverty and homelessness. I also will reflect once again on prayers, church politics (maybe), and post a few jokes for good measure. And cartoons by Dave Walker, like the one on this page.

Let me also mention that members of our wonderful Charlottesville congregation wrote reflections for Lent, one for each day. You can read them on a special blog we've set up HERE.

If you lose the link, it all you need do is click the purple cross on the upper left and that will get you there, or go to the homepage for St. Paul's to find the link.

May you have a blessed Lent. Ashes to ashes.

Jim+

The Monday Funnies Thanksgiving Week Edition

The world is a little nuts right now, and we need a few laughs. Here is a new cartoon from Dave Walker just in time for our cooking Thanksgiving Dinner at the church, and some really bad jokes for Thanksgiving from Pat Hill in the overbloated Jokester Department of Fiat Lux. Finally, look below this mess for a video that is, er, probably serious but laugh anyway. Enjoy your Thanksgiving week!

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An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding, to perfect a better turkey.

His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get-together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

* * *

O, COME ALL YE TURKEYS

(Tune O Come All Ye Faithful)

O come all ye turkeys,
Fully dressed or boneless;
Come all ye Armor Stars,
This Thanksgiving day.
Come and be basted,
You will not be wasted;

Oh be our guest for dinner,
Oh be our guest for dinner,
Oh be our guest for dinner,
Thanksgiving Day.

The Monday Funnies

We haven't had the Monday Funnies in awhile -- a major oversight.  With UVA melodramas, General Convention, thunderstorms of the century, and summer doldrums, we could definitely use a few laughs. So here is a good yarn from Patrick Hill in the Jokester Department, and a newish cartoon by Dave Walker. Enjoy your week!

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There was a new pastor just out of seminary in her first call. The first week went quite well and her first Sunday was excellent. The congregation was especially impressed with the sermon that first Sunday.

But during the following week, the pastor just got very busy with many things, trying to get to all the shut-ins, and nursing home residents, as well as unpacking all the boxes in the parsonage, and by the time Saturday night rolled around, she realized that she hadn't had time to write a sermon, so she decided to just use the one from the previous week.

Well, fortunately, even though some people thought it sounded familiar they didn't say anything they knew how busy she had been.

But sure enough the same thing kept happening, the next week she had a couple funerals and again didn't have time to prepare a new sermon for Sunday morning.

After this had happened about four weeks in a row, the church president called the bishop and a special meeting of the church council and at the meeting the president turns to the bishop and says, “You know, we really like our pastor here, she's great with the youth and with visitation, but she's giving us the same sermon four Sundays in a row.”

The bishop turns to the pastor and says, “Is this true?”

 The pastor answers “yes” and then proceeds to offer all the reasons why she had done what she had done but the bishop cuts her off and turns to the council and says, “Tell me what this sermon was about?”

The council members start kind-of hemming and hawing, one says “I think there was something about Jesus in there.” Another says, “Yeah, something like, that, but I'm not really sure.”

After a few minutes of this the bishop stops the conversation, turns to the pastor and says, “One more time!”

The Monday Funnies

Pat Hill is on a mission trip in Sudan, so I've looked through the joke vault he left me. At least the cartoon from Dave Walker is new. Stop me if you've heard this one before...

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As the beloved pastor is being honored on the occasion of his departure, an elderly woman greets him with tears in her eyes.

"Pastor," she says, "we're really going to miss you."

"Don't worry," replies the pastor, "I'm sure the diocese will find someone at least as good to replace me."

The woman sobs uncontrollably and answers, "That's what they've all said, and they've all been wrong."

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A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone here know what we mean by sins of omission?"

A small girl replied, "Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but didn't?"

The prayer you won't get to hear for another 200 years

We have entered the long Season After Pentecost (some churches call it the “Trinity Season”). The season is calculated based on where Easter falls each year, itself a calculation based on the first full moon after the equinox (Cartoonist Dave Walker at right can explain this).

What all this means is that there are Sundays and weekdays with assigned biblical readings and prayers from the prayer book that we almost never get to hear.

In fact, the first of these prayers won’t be heard again in church on a Sunday for another 215 years. The next time Easter will be early enough will be March 23, 2228.

This year we begin the Season after Pentecost with the prayer and readings for “Proper 3,” which is church-speak for starting three weeks into the earliest possible date for Pentecost. Had Easter come three weeks earlier (like in 2228) we would have started on the Pentecost readings and prayers three weeks ago. Since we are not going to hear these prayers for a very long time on a Sunday, today I am offering you these prayers that you didn’t get to hear.

And since this coming Sunday is Trinity Sunday, you don’t get to hear the prayer for the Fourth Sunday after Pentecost either. So here are all four Sunday prayers – or “Collects of the Day” that you won’t get to hear:

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Proper 1    Week of the Sunday closest to May 11

Remember, O Lord, what you have wrought in us and not what we deserve; and, as you have called us to your service, make us worthy of our calling; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.

Proper 2    Week of the Sunday closest to May 18

Almighty and merciful God, in your goodness keep us, we pray, from all things that may hurt us, that we, being ready both in mind and body, may accomplish with free hearts those things which belong to your purpose; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.

Proper 3    The Sunday closest to May 25

Grant, O Lord, that the course of this world may be peaceably governed by your providence; and that your Church may joyfully serve you in confidence and serenity; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

Proper 4    The Sunday closest to June 1

O God, your never-failing providence sets in order all things both in heaven and earth: Put away from us, we entreat you, all hurtful things, and give us those things which are profitable for us; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

The Monday Funnies

It is true. I have been loafing, at least in so far as this blog is concerned. Spring fever and a few other diversions. So it is time to get back into gear. What better way to start than with the Monday Funnies?

Here is a new cartoon by Dave Walker entitled "Excuses for Absenteeism in church," and a yarn passed along by Mildred Robinson, who is a law professor. Enjoy your week.

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A bar called Drummond's, in a town in Texas, began construction on an expansion of their building, hoping to "grow" their business. 

In response, the local church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding: petitions, prayers, etc. About a week before the bar's grand re-opening, a bolt of lightning struck the bar and burned it to the ground. 

Afterward, the church folks were rather smug - bragging about "power of prayer." The angry bar owner eventually sued the church on grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, through direct actions or indirect means." 

Of course, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. 

The judge read carefully through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply. He then opened the hearing by saying: "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that what we have here is a bar owner who now believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not." 

The Monday Funnies

It's been a week or two since we've had the Monday Funnies, and so we are overdo for a few laughs in this space, and the expense of organized religion of course. And a cartoon by Dave Walker.


Here are some oldies-but-goodies from the joke locker. Enjoy your week!

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After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." 

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" 

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church starring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."  

"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"   

The pastor said, "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." 

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, "Which service, the 8:45 or the 11:00?"

The Monday Funnies

Once again we enter a new work week and a new liturgical year. A few laughs are in order. Pat Hill and the overpaid bloated gang in the Jokester Department here at Fiat Lux Productions have been loafing all through Thanksgiving Week, and these jokes are the best they could come up with. And we have the return of Dave Walker this season with new cartoons.

And see below for a special Monday Funnies Extra Edition, a video proving a number of things including why Handel's Messiah should not be performed in the Advent-Christmas season. Enjoy your Monday . . .

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A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed. 

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A pastor said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!" 

* * * 

The rains began after a long dry spell and the farmer asked his pastor, "Looks, like God is answering your prayer. You must have an "in" with the Big Guy.

The pastor replied, "If that's so, he's got a long waiting list. This is October and my prayer was in June."

And for your added Monday Funnies enjoyment (Parental Discretion Advised):

The Monday Funnies

We've been away the last few days at Shine Mont in the western hills bordering Shenandoah Valley for our annual parish retreat. We had 131 campers of all ages, good sports all. The weather started hot, and then we had a big thunderstorm the first night and it cooled off. Sunday morning was sunny and cool.

Thanks to Cindy Cartwright and her team for putting on a great weekend. The eco-friendly green non-plastic cups made it another year, and we had lots of kids running everywhere. The food was plentiful (quite hearty and deep-fried Southern style).

Hopefully someone will send me some photos from the weekend that I can share here later in the week. My first-generation digital camera has about bit the dust so I took no pictures.

The only casualty of the weekend was me during the annual kickball game. I went skidding into home plate and managed to wrap my left shoulder around a white wooden pole that holds up a building.

The 19th century vintage structure did not collapse, and I broke no bones but I am rather sore. We had a many health care professionals in camp, and I was well attended to.

For us, this was our third Shrine Mont parish weekend. You may recall Lori and I introduced ourselves to the parish two summers ago at Shrine Mont, so I consider this weekend to be the start of our third year at St. Paul's.

For the Monday Funnies, I thought I'd share a few funny photos. The first was taken by Bonny Bronson on her way to Heather Warren's ordination in North Carolina. The second was provided by Dave Walker. His caption:

"Man protesting about heretics who stop on the entrance markings at school drop-off and pick-up times. Also the Church of Rome."

Apparently some folks took offense when Dave posted it on his blog. I thought it rather funny.

Enjoy you Monday!

The Monday Funnies

We haven't had a Dave Walker cartoon in awhile, or jokes from Patrick Hill.

In fact, we haven't had the Monday Funnies in awhile. Here's some jokes from Pat and a new cartoon from Dave. Enjoy your Monday. . .

INCREASING SUMMER ATTENDANCE IN CHURCH

10. Have your preacher preach from a Dunk Tank!

9. Offer free samples of "Hellfire and Brimstone" BBQ sauce to every new visitor.

8. Add a slide to your baptistery and advertise the church as a water park!

7. Offer a free tank of gas for every five sermons heard!

6. Convert your parking lot into an RV Campground!

5. Convert the sanctuary aisles into putting greens!

4. Replace your church sign with one that reads: "Tourist Information"!

3. Have deacons dress up in animal costumes and open a petting zoo!

2. Put up road blocks and tell people there's a manhunt going on!

And the number one way to boost church attendance during the summer is:

1. Be there yourself!

Monday Funnies

It has been snowy not just here in Virginia, but also in the old country - England.

And that has played havoc with church schedules in both places.

Leave it to cartoonist Dave Walker to come up with this. Enjoy your Monday.

The Monday Funnies

Here are a few groaners to get your week going. The cartoon is by Dave Walker, and any resemblance to anyone living or dead, or their church, is only a coincidence. Enjoy your Monday. . .

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As the beloved pastor is being honored on the occasion of his departure, an elderly woman greets him with tears in her eyes.

"Pastor," she says, "we're really going to miss you."

"Don't worry," replies the pastor, "I'm sure the diocese will find someone
at least as good to replace me."

The woman sobs uncontrollably and answers, "That's what they've always said,
and they've all been wrong."

* * *

A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone here know what we mean
by sins of omission?"

A small girl replied, "Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but didn't?"